I cannot recall what the world looked like this morning
Cloudy ache in my abdomen, eyes were mildly burning
On the root of the tongue, a hint of barely-contained panic
Fizza was waiting outside, and I was counting out tasks like an adult
Analgesic tablet, water bottle, glasses, student ID, shoes
Two seconds in the mirror, I smiled at my pretty face
Then
Headache, cat fur in my upper respiratory tract (but I nuzzled him ever the closer)
Meow, weow, woew, mow
Mother has the world running with her mere presence
Her footsteps blow life into my room
When I am sleeping, she touches my face
Hesitantly.
Yesterday, it was almost upto my neck
I was hyperventilating. The textbooks lay
With a sober definiteness - my world
Never collapsed loudly.
(Perhaps that one time
When Aqsa died. Black hand-sewn scarf
Tight around her head. I used to think that
Death was overrated.
That the grief of death was overrated.
Wailing women, red roses, and the house
Like an empty overturned cup
It was so strange.
We children got bored and played on the street).
The day before yesterday, it was only upto my knees
I was zoning out while studying
Two days before yesterday, my stomach hurt so bad
I whimpered and slept for hours
It was... seeping in, an insignificant stray shadow
Like the simple turning of a day
I thought nothing of it.
My world never collapsed loudly.
In increments, small bubbles of silence
Like when your ear pops
And sound is new for a few moments
When father laughs with my mother
And shows her silly Facebook reels
When mother sweet-talks the cats
When Faizan is happy
It splashes at the brims
And I want to run far far away.
Far underwater cities, planets with subdued lights
Air so thick you could lean into it
This morning, when the examination hall was ripe with tension
I yawned about twenty times in ten minutes.
I almost laughed out loud, because I was giddy.
Old wooden bench was pressing painfully into my hips
Like three years ago, when I cried in MCAT
And the world was still intact.
What battles have I fought that could heal it
Soothe it.
Ever malignant, it claws its way out
Taps my foot, then rises, then falls, then bends its indolent back
And slouches away.
Mud on my hands from hours of gardening
Lest I should scream.
Dabs of lipstick can be used as blush.
(Children are wet cement. Handprints,
Footprints, nameless knick knacks
Carried over by the winds).
I like to look at my reflection in the sidemirror of the car
The city in the background
Going away away...
Outside, grey morning traffic was yelling.
Fizza drove as I flipped through the textbooks,
Last minute revision of things we'd never heard of before
We were laughing at ourselves.
It was hiding in the crevices of my nails.
I don't think I looked up at the sky even once
What colour was it? I think mother's dress was green
When she kissed me good luck before leaving
But I do not remember. I forget things.
Even as they cling to me, I forget them.