I remember when
My friends were jealous of my dresses,
Dresses that were iridescent, bright, and vivid summery colours,
Of jewelry that would shine the brightest,
With mood color-changing stone at its finest,
And of toys,
A book, a doll, a drum, a ball.
And I remember
the ability to forgive,
Oh how easy it was, just (“forgive and forget.”)
The sweet innocence, that would never need to regret
I remember believing, deep in my heart
That love was real, and I do truly feel.
A dream, a surreal-like emotion, outside of this world
I remember feeling,
Feeling so, so strongly,
To the point of feeling solely lonely
Of not sharing the same type of envy of fashion or passion,
But of seeing their fathers coming to pick them up,
Lifting them up to their shoulders, and oh, it felt like heaven to me.
If only I could live that moment.
A soft aching pain in my heart, that was there from the start.
I remember coming home,
And hiding that feeling away,
Anyway, who needs toxicity every day?
Oh, it would overwhelm me,
Consume me to the point where tears would drown me.
And I remember my mother’s voice,
Telling me I was not alone,
Her voice calm and steady,
Holding me close.
And though she was right,
The meaning of words acts weaker than that of actions,
The silent absence of a father figure, a constant reminder.
I remember crying,
Of feeling the embarrassment, but calling it selfishness.
Of trying to get rid of it, to stop feeling it, to be strong,
When perhaps all I needed was to accept the want of a father’s protection.
Oh, how I hate myself for hoping, for looking up at a shooting star and wishing,
That this love I see, could cease me in another life.
That im the girl who sits on a father's shoulders,
That I’m the girl overlooking the world through rose-colored glasses
That I’m the girl who's picked up and spun in a circle.
That im the girl who makes her father a card for Father’s Day, laughing and giggling for hours.
That im the girl who gets this.
And so we may grow apart in this life,
And we may not speak for weeks, months, or even years.
So we go our separate ways, and I learn to be a human.
I learn to keep growing through life and not hurting.
I didn’t make a sound, not a single complaint.
I had already learned,
What leaving looks like.