stood before me, paralyzed by the uncomfortable strangeness of our newfound situation. three feet, give or take. probably give. but he was worlds away. for the first time, i had no idea what i was dealing with. could not read his thoughts or sync actions like we used to, dancing to jazz music in anthony's kitchen. but precisely a year has passed and i'm afraid we were out of practice.
small talk caught in our throats, wincing from the bitter taste. this wasn't right. i was drawn yet expelled at the same time from him. i wanted to draw him near like i used to. i wanted to run away, afraid of all the pain he continues to inflict on me.
"i should probably get to bed..." he said. i tried not to look disappointed. it had been a vast 20 minutes with him and he's already tired.
i stood there, shifting weight uncomfortably. unsure of what to do. he reached towards the door, and i was ready for my exit. but he continues his reach towards the light switch. wordlessly, he extended his hand and there i touched his skin for the first time in months.
in the dark he led me to the bedroom. once again i stood there, i did not know what to do. we were just friends after all. he made that very clear through the text messages back in september. but he turned me towards him and there he was, the boy i knew. the boy i loved. my constant thought. my reason for staying. my person.