Nov 2013
I am learning on the job,
Spun like a whirling dervish by uncertainty and fear
Glass floor beneath my feet
Paper thin and cracking fast
From the heat.
I need to learn
How not to leave claw marks
On your heart
And on your arms,
As you are taken from me by your indecision
And my intensity.
Everything I've ever lost
Has been mutilated by my loving it
Pried from my fingers
And I am learning as I go-
This is not a drill-
These alarms scream truth-
No time to stop and think-
How to be gentler,
And less afraid.
Sometimes this burning soul is too hot inside
And my words flee and tumble down my fire escape wrists,
Or dive from my lips like suicides from tenth story windows
And
I am trying to learn, through the smoke and panic in here
How to breathe deep even as my lungs constrict.
I am trying to learn how to say hello to you
Without you knowing I said it
Without needing to prove to myself that you do
Remember I am ashes for you.
I need to make my friction fire heart
Believe you heard
When I am really all alone in here
Fighting the blaze on my own
Armed with buckets of water.
(Water makes electrical fires hotter
But somehow I keep it coming like a rainstorm
Even though I know you've struck like lightning
And I have caught like a too-old Christmas tree
Going up in flames with a whoosh
To match its twinkling lights.)
There is
Something
Burning in here
And I am trying to stay calm,
Remember to hug the floorboards even if it feels like resignation
Remember to test every door with the back of my hand even when
All I wanna do
Is run through.
But the thing is
I can't kamikaze jump from my own body-
There is no out for me
And that's really why I am so afraid of this inferno-
I better learn
Quick
How to keep the sparks in, how to dampen the flames
Or I will die here
Or worse,
Smoke you
Out
And just end up standing alone
In a gutted building
With ashes slipping silky through my fingers.
No,
I need to learn, I need to learn now
I need to learn
Yesterday
How not to need you
Quite so close
That you burn your palms on the heat of my door handles.
Spun like a whirling dervish by uncertainty and fear
Glass floor beneath my feet
Paper thin and cracking fast
From the heat.
I need to learn
How not to leave claw marks
On your heart
And on your arms,
As you are taken from me by your indecision
And my intensity.
Everything I've ever lost
Has been mutilated by my loving it
Pried from my fingers
And I am learning as I go-
This is not a drill-
These alarms scream truth-
No time to stop and think-
How to be gentler,
And less afraid.
Sometimes this burning soul is too hot inside
And my words flee and tumble down my fire escape wrists,
Or dive from my lips like suicides from tenth story windows
And
I am trying to learn, through the smoke and panic in here
How to breathe deep even as my lungs constrict.
I am trying to learn how to say hello to you
Without you knowing I said it
Without needing to prove to myself that you do
Remember I am ashes for you.
I need to make my friction fire heart
Believe you heard
When I am really all alone in here
Fighting the blaze on my own
Armed with buckets of water.
(Water makes electrical fires hotter
But somehow I keep it coming like a rainstorm
Even though I know you've struck like lightning
And I have caught like a too-old Christmas tree
Going up in flames with a whoosh
To match its twinkling lights.)
There is
Something
Burning in here
And I am trying to stay calm,
Remember to hug the floorboards even if it feels like resignation
Remember to test every door with the back of my hand even when
All I wanna do
Is run through.
But the thing is
I can't kamikaze jump from my own body-
There is no out for me
And that's really why I am so afraid of this inferno-
I better learn
Quick
How to keep the sparks in, how to dampen the flames
Or I will die here
Or worse,
Smoke you
Out
And just end up standing alone
In a gutted building
With ashes slipping silky through my fingers.
No,
I need to learn, I need to learn now
I need to learn
Yesterday
How not to need you
Quite so close
That you burn your palms on the heat of my door handles.
