It was never about people loving me. My depression was never cause I thought people didn’t love me. It was because I thought  people didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about how I was feeling. Yeah they said “I love u” but it was never “I care about u”. I was gifted a moment where people actually worried and cared about me. As much as that made me uncomfortable I miss it. I crave it. I miss the care that was shown towards me. The fact that people genuinely cared about me. They weren’t getting paid, it wasn’t their job. They did it because they wanted to. When that was taken from me I broke. I returned to the life where I was naive enough to think people actually cared about me. I was dumb and naive, because when people said“I love u” or “I’m here for u” I believed it. No one genuinely loved and cared about me. I craved for that care.

Its like I was begging and screaming for others to notice I wasn’t okay. To notice I was hurting. To show and prove to me they actually love and care about me like they said. No one noticed, the people I wanted to notice didn’t. One person did tho and when they did I felt relieved. Relieved to know that someone actually noticed, someone was going to help.

Tho I still question my purpose in life. I’m just existing for no reason. There is no meaning to why I’m alive. I no longer want to hurt or **** myself. I’m just at a point in my life where I’m questioning my purpose in this place we call earth. But I’ve grown to accept that no one loves me. That I have no purpose in this world. No one does. We just exist and are expected to live a life. A life of pain and misery.

I feel lighter and happier but the questions never stopped. I don’t think they ever will.
1-29-23