I hate to mourn you.
You were such a big part of my life,
When i think back, all of my good memories had you in them.
The good memories don't make me sad.
It's when i think about  how much i would give- the extremes i would go to- to do them again.
To have a few more days with you.
To run to you when you get home.
Lay with your arm under the pillow behind my head, other arm over me, and watch survivor.
Sit on a tiny porch - that barely fits one person standing - with you while it's pouring,
talking to you while you smoke.
Little embarrassing things you'd do when we were alone you'd never do in front of someone older.
But even then it's  just a genuine melancholy. I miss you, because i loved you so much.
But it's hard to think of all of our good times
without the bad plaguing them.
Without all of the rude things i did when you were at your worst.
Without picturing your muscle turn to bone.
Without remembering the first time you came in the room
with that bandanna on , taking it off and seeing your bald head for the first time
Without blocking out my emotions, still not knowing how i would have felt -or acted- if i hadn't done so.
Without thinking of everything that happened from that summer on.
Between then and today.
I just miss you so much, it hurts to mourn you.