I don't think I have it in me again
by @Wordsmith
I don’t think I have it in me again
To hand someone my heart
like a peace offering
only for them to treat it like a placeholder
until something better walks in
I don’t think I have it in me again
To soften my voice
to dim my truth
to rearrange myself just to fit inside someone else’s version
of love
I’ve sat in rooms where love sounded like promises
and felt like pressure
Where silence was punishment
and vulnerability was currency
they never planned to repay
You ever love so loud
your own soul went mute?
Well, I did
Gave someone the unfiltered version of me
the trembling hands
the past I don't speak of
the joy I stitched together with borrowed thread
and watched them leave
like it cost them nothing
to unlove me
So no
I don’t think I have it in me again
I’ve smiled in mirrors
I was too shattered to trust
held people close
who only came to collect
made excuses for red flags
because I’d rather bleed than be alone
I let people camp in my softness
and then got blamed
for the fire they started inside it
So now
if you whisper my name with longing
don't expect rose petals and candlelight
If your touch feels like possession
and your words sound like control
I'll leave before you even notice I'm gone
Because now I live in caution tape
and not everyone gets past the yellow lines
I don’t think I have it in me again
To explain why silence became my safe place
why I don’t cry in front of people anymore
why I ghost conversations
when they get too close to where it hurts
I don’t think I have it in me again
To gamble time
to risk my sanity
to hand someone the pen
and pray they don’t rewrite my story as tragedy
So if you want access
be earthquake-proof
Be sanctuary; not spectacle
Because if you say you love storms
you better know how to swim through the flood
I don't come in pieces anymore
I come as wreckage
as warning
as a survivor who’s not asking for rescue
but respect
And if you're not ready to hold space
for someone who's had to hold themselves
for far too long
Then leave the door closed
Because I don’t think I have it in me again
Not to fake smiles
Not to settle for half
Not to beg for the kind of love
I already gave to myself
I don't think I have it in me again
But if I do
you’ll have to earn it
with presence
with patience
with proof