I spent most of my life looking for validation and your approval. I was never good enough for you or Mom. I spent most of my teen years looking for ways out of this life. I wanted to be gone. I wasn't wanted, nor did anyone crave my presence. But life continued. How? Obviously, God had bigger plans for me than I did for myself.
    Pomp and circumstance filled the air. I looked around hoping you two would have changed your mind and came despite your disgust with me. That hope was shattered. I should've been proud of myself, but nay. There was nothing to be proud of when my own parents didn't even want to celebrate my "accomplishment."
    Fast forward 4 years: I was a new mother. My relationship with you two was complex. Were you in my life? Sure. Was it without ridicule or judgement? No. I convinced myself that no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough for you.
    3 more years go by. Mom is gone. Gone to a place I'm hoping I will see her again someday when it is my time to depart from this world. You walk me down the aisle with tears in your eyes. I've never seen you cry for or about me. You tell me you love me and that Mom would've been so proud of who I turned out to be. A special moment shared seemed to have faded fast. You replaced Mom. You swore that wasn't the case, but it was obvious. You gave her the life my mom deserved but never got. You worshipped the very ground the new woman walked on. Soon, even I was replaced. You found yourself a new family. You loved and adored them way more than you could have ever loved me. You were happy with your replacement family. There was tons to be proud of and nothing to be proud of me. Things said that upset me and I couldn't tell you about them because you'd tell me that I needed mental help. Just for sharing my feelings and venting to you. My father. Isn't that what a Daddy is supposed to do? Comfort your baby when she's upset or even offer some words of guidance? Did you offer such a thing? NO. I made up my mind. I was disposable. You just wanted us around for the times you needed validation from the outsiders to see how loving of a father and grandfather you were. I made my peace with it at the time. I lost you before you even died. Then, that's just what happened. You died. Before I ever had the chance to really make you proud of me. Before I was worth anything in your eyes. Now, I have to live my new normal even though nothing about losing BOTH of your parents before you even reach your mid-30's is normal.