I feel sad today
My three friends are all too busy to see me
My spattering of newer acquaintances will not satisfy
I want to laugh with someone I am not learning
My other friends who I could lean on
Live far far far away
I have a new cat who requires oodles of attention
And who attacks my resident cat
So I keep them separate
I miss my cat deeply
Though she’s just in the other room
I get 20 minutes to an hour with her every 3 hours
Until the new cat cries and I go to her

I’m sure it doesn’t help my current state
That I am not just lonely
I am embarrassed to be lonely
Why doesn’t anyone other than my mom prioritize seeing me?
Why am I not someone’s whole world?
And this is an over dramatic question
Just this week I had dinner with a friend on Tuesday which he insisted upon because he would be away the weekend
And usually we spend some part of the weekend together
I don’t have a lover or two
Just me
And my friends with their busy lives and partners and roommates and careers
And I have my music and my cats
My paintings
My seemingly endless renovations

My horoscope which says it’s time to dig deeper into this feeling
Find where I allow another to soothe this sadness
The loneliness is normal I think
But the embarrassment of it  
The fear of needing
The flinch away from wanting
The idea that because I am lonely I must also be unlikeable, unloveable
This feeling that in the absence of another’s adoration, my adorableness ceases to exist
It’s not true
And that’s what my horoscope says I should be healing and releasing
I’ve been dutiful
Finding and weeding out where I participate in codependency in my friendships
I’ve seen and stopped the behavior
And now I’m here
Noticing how I can’t just be lonely
I am also alone and embarrassed to be so
Which is stupid
I’m not married
I don’t have a roommate or live with family
I’m not dating anyone
Of course I’m alone often
Which is okay and is not a reflection of my worthiness to another
It’s just what the situation is

I used to have friendships with people I didn’t actually like very much
Who very much liked me or so it seemed because they were always asking to see me
And that made me feel that I was at a surplus
But then I realized it I didn’t actually want to see them I just didn’t want to be alone
So I stoped seeing those people
And now I sometimes feel I am at a deficit

Boundaries and time management
Being seen
Vulnerability
Easy laughter
Connection
Brushing our teeth together
Knowing the smell of her hair and skin
Inside jokes
Having another person (other than me) to get flowers for
The joy of being in love
All loom in the distance
Large and ephemeral
Like a huge cloud far and high in the sky

My horoscope says dating will open up in November
5 months to figure it all out
So that on November 1st
I can walk out my door
Into the autumn sunshine and meet the love of my life

How disappointed will I be if November comes and goes and I don’t meet anybody?
If the plans for dates continue to fall through?
If the texts go unanswered?

Maybe by then
With all the growth I’m planning for the next 5 months!
I will be okay with it
Flush with acceptance and ease in the avenues of my existence

I hope it won’t be something like
“When you least expect it, it happens!”

How beat down and forlorn will I have to be
To one day stop picturing my wife in my mind?
To stop hoping to meet her?

Is the big block also my fear of my mothers rejection?
The look of horror and disgust on her impossible-to-hide-emotions face
I’m going to cry
I can already feel the pain
Of her rejection of my joy because it’s not for a man
Yes, big block.

And I’m not even capable of doing the other option

People say it’s brave that I up and left LA
That I up and left advertising
That I’m putting out my own music

But to me it doesn’t feel brave,
It feels inevitable and scary and exciting
But mostly inevitable

Because once I know what is, what must be done, I do it and I see it through to existence

My best life is with a wife
My best life is one where I don’t need my mothers approval
I’m here on this earth to live my best life
So these two bests will come to fruition

I hope one after the other in no particular order and of no consequence to the other

Could it be so cruel (it being my life path)
That in order to find joy with a partner I must first rid myself fully of the codependency, the agreements to heal, the child/parent role I play to to my mom? How big would I have to be? That her approval doesn’t swing like a pendulum in the back of my brain? How evolved, advanced, ready for my dreams to come true! How full of my own goodness. How completely set free of the burden of “you were once inside of me, so now you must let me be inside your life to dictate what is good and what it bad and what is safe and what is dangerous”? How wonderfully ready for my next steps? How prepared for a big life?

So maybe it’s not so cruel, maybe it’s a gift to realize this. I’ll decide that it is.
But how?

How do I rid myself of my desire for her approval? I didn’t used to have it, when I lived far away. Or sure I guess it lingered but was buried deep. And now being so near her, experiencing the shining joy of her beaming approving smile sometimes, I want it and that bit of me that would deny my truth to avoid the pain of her visceral rejection has grown.

Oh yes, a new codependency ready to be uprooted shows its face
Quietly peeking from behind the curtains
November here I come