Last night I finally let myself feel it
the pain I’ve been swallowing for years,
the pieces I’ve stitched inside my chest so nobody else would see the mess.
It’s been long overdue
the break, the sobs I choke down in the dark,
the nights I drive around with nowhere to go,
talking to God out loud like maybe He’ll sit in the passenger seat
and tell me I’m not crazy for carrying this much.

I’ve always been the strong one
the one that holds it all together for everyone else.
The one who smiles so nobody sees the storm under my ribs.
The one who picks up the phone for people
who’d let mine ring till it dies.
The one who keeps secrets, swallows hurt,
patches wounds that ain’t even hers
because loyalty sits too deep in my blood to wash out.

You’d think it’d make me hard
but it didn’t.
It made me softer.
It made me the safe place I always needed
but never found.
It made me the friend I wish I could call
when my mind won’t shut off at night
and my prayers taste like iron in my mouth.

And last night when I cracked, Cameron stayed.
Of all people ..........him.
The last one I wanted to see me ugly-cry,
snot-nosed, shaking, every piece spilling out.
But the truth is I’d choose him every time

because I see me in him.
Same heart, same stubborn soul,
same way of loving too hard and holding too much
for people who never hold it back the same.
He didn’t run.
Didn’t tell me you’ll be okay like a lie.
He just stayed ....
and sometimes that’s the only prayer you need answered.

I look at him and I want the world for him.
I want him to feel what it’s like to lay his armor down
without getting stabbed for it.
I want him to rest for once.
I want him to taste peace he doesn’t have to pay for
with pieces of his spirit.
Because hearts like ours?
We were never built to surrender.
We break ,  but we don’t stay broken.
We bend , but we don’t bow.
And maybe that’s our blessing and our curse.

And I see God in every part of it.
In every night I laid awake rewinding old pain
like a movie that wouldn’t stop playing.
In every time I begged Him to show up
and He didn’t move like I wanted ,
but He moved anyway, behind the scenes,
in the way I kept standing up when I shouldn’t have,
in the way I loved past the bitterness,
in the way He put the right people in my path
when my walls fell.

I’m tired of pretending my softness is my downfall.
It’s the reason I’m still here.
It’s why I’m still human.
It’s why, even when I sleep,
I carry every piece under my pillow ,
the secrets, the prayers, the hurt I swallow for the sake of peace.
But I’m not ashamed of it anymore.
This heart ain’t weak ,
it’s just real.
It’s just me.

So here’s my vow:
I’ll feel it , even when it burns.
I’ll let myself crack , even when it’s ugly.
I’ll keep standing , even when it’s not fair.
I’ll stay soft , because softness is a rebellion
in a world that wants me cold.
I’ll stay loyal , because it’s in my blood.
I’ll stay believing ,  because God’s still working,
even when the door slams, even when the tears dry on my pillow.

I want more for him.
I want more for me.
And I know it’s coming
because I’ve survived too much
to doubt it now.
I’m done hiding my breaking.
I’m done pretending I’m unshakeable.
I am breakable.
I am bent.
I am tired.
I am loyal.
I am loved.
I am still here
and I’m still not bowing.

Long overdue
but I’m here now.
Heart open.
Eyes clear.
Hands steady.
I hold the storms.
I hold the secrets.
I hold me
and that’s enough.