How do I tell him?
I love him dearly...
But.

There it is,
There's always a but.

He is not what I want.
I love him...
But HE'S a HIM.

I want a she.
I want a her.

I love him,
And I would be happy to spend my life with him,
But...
There it is again.

We don't click.
We click physically,
But not emotionally,
Not for me.

I love him...
But...
And again,
There's that word.
I love him,
But I love girls.
This is all terribly confusing.

I don't want to be this way.
He doesn't want me to be this way.
My parents don't want me to be this way.
Apparently God loves me,
But doesn't want me to be this way...

Then why am I?

I want to be normal.
I dont want to look at girls this way...
The way that normal girls look at guys.

So then,
I move my attention.
I focus myself in my arts,
And music.
I just want to focus on that,
Instead of what I am.

But...
Haha there it is again.
I'm curious.
I want answers.

Why?
Why am I this way?
Why am I an "abomination"?
What caused me to be this way?
Because I didn't choose to be this way,
And this isn't a phase.

I have liked girls since before pre-k.
I liked guys too,
But only because I felt like I was supposed to.
Because I had to.
I still feel like I have to.

I have to pretend that I'm not this way...
Gay...
It feels like a bad word.
I have to pretend that I dont find her attractive.
Pretend to be someone I'm not...

I've always said that my guy friends see me as one of the guys,
But they dont.
I do.
I see myself as one of the guys.

I hate being this way.
Do I like guys at all?
Am I a lesbian?
That seems like another bad word...
I have no clue.
For right now,
At least,
I consider myself bi...
Because I know I like girls,
But the rest...
sigh
It's so confusing.