Can’t celebrate something
Because I was just going to do it anyways
(I don’t know the last time I celebrated something I did)
I’ll make jokes posthumously to cover up the resentment

I just don’t want to have to ask to be celebrated!

Unreasonable expectations?
My graduation didn’t look how I wanted it to
It hurt seeing so many people/friends/family gather around my friends

I mourned that loss for a week then found  photos from a 2012 trip to Mexico and couldn’t stop crying because I looked so happy in them

Maybe I’ll never be satisfied
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting to get fired
For people to tell me they don’t really like me

“Just trust the process” and
“You made it through those last three years you can make it through this”
But I never felt like I ever tried
Always half-assing it
Waiting for someone to find out my ruse

I didn’t really know what I was doing
I’m just going through the motions
Can I even trust my mind
I can’t stay focused
I wish my brain would reduce its function.
Focus on this instead of erasing whole chunks of my childhood

I’ll be standing in a court house in December
(I hope)
Feeling like a kid despite myself
Heels two sizes too big
And suit jacket sleeves hanging past my wrists

But right now I can’t sleep without something
(Wine, ****)
Phone always on silent
Everyone says this is traumatic
(it feels like it)
This will pass
But
I hope my mind blocks this out too