I WATCH
A Poem- TW -HEALTH ISSUES-
—————
I watch myself
From across the room.
My heart beats fast.
My brain spins.
My body feels
Like it’s tingling,
Like it’s truly not there.
I watch myself
Do things that aren’t me.
My hand moves
As if I turned an unknown key.
My mouth speaks words
I sometimes don’t know.
I constantly feel like I’m in a hazy fog,
In a world of the unknown.
I feel dizzy,
And suddenly, time stops.
I try to move,
But nothing works.
I try to make eye contact,
But my vision is blurred.
People’s words drown out,
The world goes silent.
I feel unheard.
Then everything comes rushing back,
Like bubbles coming to the surface.
I continue with what was said before,
Not realizing everyone’s staring at me weird.
I’m confused, but they don’t say a thing,
And I continue as normal,
Not sure what happened.
I have panic attacks.
After each one,
I feel like my body is going to explode.
My head pounds hard.
My heart beats fast.
My body shakes uncontrollably.
It always seems to last.
I still don’t feel okay,
But it’s an everyday thing.
I feel out of my body,
Like a ghost turned to dust,
Like I’m watching myself perform tasks
That I’m pretty sure I’m not.
Many times,
I feel as if I’m out of my body,
Or like I’m spacing out
And losing my memory.
I’m unsure of why,
But my body feels like a crumbling brick wall
That gets built up and knocked down.
It’s wall after wall,
Never that strong.
I still watch,
I still wait,
As my vision dims again,
And words are incoherent,
Like I’m drowned out by the noise of a freight train.
I scream in silence,
As my body falls asleep.
My eyes feel like rocks,
Sinking to the bottom of a sandy reef.
I will always watch,
And watch,
As time goes on.
I’m glad my friends understand,
But I’m contemplating
If something is wrong.
And yet, I will
Watch.