I'm no stranger
To the full body feelings.
The overwhelming urges
To die

But I've heard my father throw up
Wretched heaving
The morning after finding out
My brother killed himself.

These urges are so strong
The hopelessness so intense
Real physical agony
Not just inside my head

But I saw my mother break
Into a thousand tiny pieces
And she never managed to put them all
Back together

And inside I know
How it felt to have your mind
Destroyed by a single sentence:
'Your brother's dead'.

I fell to the floor
And my wretched sobs
Tore out of my lungs
After hours of sitting vigil
Hoping for him to come home.

He looked back at me that day
Looking pained and pleading
And I didn't know
I didn't know.