I'll stay up until my eyes give out and stay asleep until I jump back awake. I'll keep fighting until my lungs give out and stay in whatever solace is left in this place. You can go a year on your own, coasting at whatever pace and then have **** near every ounce of peace snatched from right in front of your face.
I dont know whats to come or how ill manage but I know ive always found a way before. No matter how many times I fall and break I never fail to get up from off the floor. I will stay here for a minute though to ground. The only times I wish for company is when I cant get it from the friends i've found. Its no shock its a test. To try and find rest despite it. Feeling my nervous system panic and try to fight it and not being able to flight it. Its not new or news i'm just tired of being abused im tired of having to be strong and i'm so tired of being so confused.
I am not like these people so I could never understand. Simply because id never move how they do but I still try to comprehend. It doesnt matter intent. It doesnt matter whats shared in kindness. I could lay it all on the table and they'd still keep their hand hidden.
I see I'm meant to deal with it solo. I just dont know how to do so yet without fail, without handbook, I do it once more. If I have to end you for my progress I WILL contemplate whether to pull a trigger. I know what would be at risk and id STILL not want to end a father. Its inevitable.