Disguise
A Poem by Olivia Williams
———-
I wear this mask,
It's my disguise,
It's my so-called "true person,"
But I have a secret—
It's hiding who I am.
I play on my smile,
Laugh around others.
When I'm asked to do something,
I have to gather myself together,
To put on the mask,
Heave a sigh,
Put on a smile,
And pretend I'm alright.
That day,
School dragged like chains,
And I lost my belief in whether the world was kind.
I was taught I'm worthless,
That my “type of people” didn’t belong.
So now, with my mask, I hide it all.
Afraid to trust anyone and everyone.
I do what I'm told,
I rarely falter,
Because when I do,
I feel like a disappointment.
Afterward,
I don't want people to see that I can't do it,
Because of how I gave up trying that day.
I over-explain every detail,
Because I had to do that to survive.
From what feels like not too long ago,
This mask hides me
And my personality,
Because I don't want to let it loose.
Only people I trust see the real me,
And even they
Don't see it all.
I have two sides,
Both are semi-hidden.
You only get to know
Half of each.
Once I can trust you,
You'll know both full versions of me.
I can be mean,
I can be rude,
I can be an "angel,"
Or sweet, or "look cute,"
But I can turn in a second
And snap right back.
If you push my buttons,
You'll find it out—
Exact.
I'm torn between both sides,
Of sticking up and speaking out for myself,
But I fear I will be rejected and pushed past my point,
And then I will be hurt more,
Physically and mentally,
Then I was before.
What if they don’t like the full version?
What if they don’t like the “real me”?
What if they push me, I fall,
They laugh,
And use me for their own greed?
If I show them my broken side,
Then they notice I need help,
But if I unleash everything,
Then I’m hurting them and myself.
I’m afraid to lose the people I’ve gathered,
Because they love me for who I am now.
But I can’t help but think,
“Will they after?”
I don’t think I will ever be able
To take off a FULL mask,
Because they will always want the “other side” as well.
And I don’t want my other person in me
To go too far and start to tell.
It gets exhausting keeping to half a side,
Not being on one full or both at the same time.
Each day gets heavier,
These chains weigh me down.
Keeping up both hidden sides,
Keeping up this lie,
The longer the sides dig deep inside,
The more I lose each portion,
Forever lost inside.
I hate keeping up
With certain places’ requirements.
I want to break the rules,
So they can learn
There are others out there.
Don’t you dare mess with me,
I’ve seen my share.
With this mask I hide in,
I see the inner secrets no one
Wants me to share.
I know everything,
And if you
So much as flinch and mess with me or my crowd,
You’ll see my other side of the mask,
And then
You won’t be so proud.
I’m sick of letting people push me in,
So now I’m pushing back,
And I’m not afraid to get in.
I hope you recognize
That I have other sides.
Most of my family
Doesn't know even one full side,
But I try to be the "perfect person,"
Because I can't take criticism.
I’ll just shut down.
That’s how I defended myself
When I couldn’t then.
I still can't know
I’m told to
“Be more,” “do more,”
“Be more like this.”
I try and try,
I’m so tired and worn.
I cry and fight
To be who I’m not,
Because I never feel right.
But now,
I’m hiding my mask,
Stronger than ever,
Waiting to unleash it
To those who push me.
I hid who I am,
My beliefs,
My identity,
What I like,
And what I don’t.
I act different per each person—
What side of me do you know?
But when I have on my disguises,
Which one don’t you know?