Do you ever hug your pillowcase,
Face down, eyes searing through the light colored cotton
Like you’re trying to see through the fabric,
Looking for a reflection into your own head,
Searching for some peace of mind within you?
Peace of mind.
The one thing we all need the most, crave the most
All everyone says is keep looking, keep trying
It will come eventually -
*******.
So the search for serenity continues
It’s gotta be somewhere out there, right?
All that results is overthinking
Thoughts spinning out of control,
And consuming your entire mind.
And now it’s 4am and it stings in the shower
And I’m sorry if you understand that
Because it means you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m wondering about you
Wondering why this isn’t working,
Like when we’re sitting together,
You and me at dinner, and you won’t look up.
Is your phone prettier than my face?
I’ll never really ask because, yes,
I am that shy girl I sometimes refer to.
So I’ll keep on searching for answers to my questions
But the problem is that the answers are not inside my wrist
So I’m just going to hug my pillowcase some more,
Thinking about you, thinking about us
Letting the pain seep deeper into my heart.
It hurts because it matters.
And yes, I might wonder too much,
But I’m so obsessed with finding someone to love me
Because I can’t love myself.

And now it’s 5am, and I should probably go to sleep
So I can look okay when I see you in the morning.