i don’t want what comes easy.
if it’s handed to me, i let it go.
love without a fight
feels flat, like a song without a beat.

i want the kind of intimacy
you have to
         bleed for,
the kind you can’t reach
until you’ve
          torn off
every soft part of yourself
to prove you deserve it.

i want to chase it down.
run hard until my heart pounds
just to feel it glance back at me,
even once.

i don’t care who else offers sweetness.
    i want the silence to speak.
    i want the stillness to flinch.

maybe it’s not love.
maybe it’s just wanting to be seen
by someone who never really looks.
wanting to matter
to the one person who never needed me.

is that love?
   or am i just
      throwing myself at locked doors
   hoping one might open
if i hurt myself enough knocking.

   maybe i just want to be worth the reaching.
   maybe i want someone
   who doesn’t need me
   to choose me anyway.