I cannot remember the first time I had a crush on a boy. It is better that way... Oh wait, I am trying to change, that phrase was a lie. I was in seventh grade and his name was, Everardo, Julian, Andrew, Brandon, Bryan, Anthony, Jamal, Christian, Kevin, some twins named Daniel and Austin, I can’t forget my favorite Jackson. One thing they don’t tell you is, when your molested you either hate men or you become promiscuous. I found comfort in talking to all kinds of boys, before I met ‘what’s her face.’ Even after high school boys turned into men. I wanted to be loved; I wanted to feel appreciated. I hate love because for me, I feel love so intensely. Sometimes I just can’t, I don’t know how to deal with this. I have read a lot of articles and gone to therapy. They say borderlines struggle with relationships; or you can google How to Get Away from Someone with BPD. Is it wrong for me to think, to be loved, I had to give up some parts of my body? Maybe... Yet, I curve these men like no other day. Sometimes I'm mean to my men, I hate them, but I love ALL my men, very deeply. Older men, some call it a fetish. I am also into ****. Why is a thirteen-year-old thinking like a grown woman? I am not sure but my therapist at that time thought it was obscured. I can be clingy, maybe that’s why they leave me? I attract a certain kind of demon, a B cluster member. I hate you, but please don’t leave me!