i have come to late realization that i am selfish. that i, myself, am the very epitome of what i despise. but that is probably the root of all of this self-hatred. this consuming self loathing that i have allowed to define myself. and that i love all of this hostility. that i thrive off of it. that i am, in fact, a terrible person. i submerge myself in these fiery waters because that's all i have known. i am so in love with my hate, my sadness, and pain. i am infatuated with my own misery because that's what makes me different. i'm self destructive because simply i'm bored. drugs, *****, *** all because i was uncomfortable with the dull lead feeling settling in my body.