Sometimes love comes too little, or it comes too late but does that make it any less true? You search for something your whole life, only to lose it once you finally had a grasp of it- it slipped right out of your fingertips. Why? Because you were wrong to “search” for it. You should have stayed there and let it locate you, or rather, stumble upon you. Like serendipity. Let destiny play its part.

But you know, the craziest thing is, I did. I stayed still and lived my life exactly the way I had been living because I knew that something like love can’t be forced- it will arrive at your doorstep when you are not even expecting it. I did not go about looking for love- no, because he appeared out of the blue and blurred every dimension, corner, crook and cranny of my 20/20 vision. He did not sweep me off my feet, the way I thought it would be when you fall in love, no- because when I was with him, I forgot that I had feet at all- I was not running, and it was not a walk in the park either. Being with him was more of a swim.

Why?

Because, sometimes I am swimming with sharks, and I feel as if they would sink their teeth in me anytime they choose to, the way my insecurities come and go- leaving me vulnerable and stripped, and alert. Like a flock of birds pecking their heads as they feed, insecurities would attack me the same way- a frenzy that I have no control over. At times I swam with mermaids- seemingly beautiful and ethereal- but once you get closer, they will try to drown you in as they unmask themselves and all you are left with is a question, “Will I survive?” and this is a lot like pretending to be fine, to tell yourself over and over that you will not drown, yet the pain inside, as everyone is all aware of, is way stronger than the fake smiles I plaster on each day as I vowed to stop being unhappy, but once he comes around, mer-figured, he looks promising and I would swim to him, thinking that his presence meant survival, but I would be wrong, again and again. Other times I swam in the azure Caribbean sea, believing this is paradise- filled with wondrous feelings and unimaginable liberation because the reason for all of this is in the water next to me, never letting go of my hand. The rest of the unidentified moments was like being a passenger in Titanic, believing that I was sailing on something that was “claimed” to be unsinkable, but as I blinked my eyes, I realised that I was cold, covered in ice and clinging onto a shattered piece of iceberg that was slowly melting with time in the middle of the silent but perilous ocean- with a whistle in hand, alone, and there were no signs of rescue teams to wait or look out for. That is what it felt like. Or feels like.