i used to call it comfort
the way i reached for
a green that didn’t grow anything
     just softened the edges
     and blurred the ache

until fullness
     felt empty

        until the chaos
drowned itself in silence

       until even the storm
learnt to whisper

until emptiness
                felt full

i didn’t call it
escape
not then
just quiet
just something
to get through the day

but even quiet
can rot the roots

i stayed in that winter
   longer than i needed to
     numbed the ache
   until i forgot
     what it was like
   to feel anything grow

but now
green
means something else

it means rebirth,
life
pushing through
thin cracks
in dry ground

it means i don’t run
when the light comes in

that i can sit still
without reaching for a way out

that something in me
is waking up
and wants to stay