you said i was too much
too loud

too annoying
too emotional
i guess i was just some kind of walking mistake

so i tried to be less
less loud, less visible, less like myself
until it got quiet inside
and even then, it didn’t feel safe

michael said he loved me
while his friend touched me
and he just stood there
like i wasn’t even real

he used to tell me to smile more
stop crying so much
"you should be happy someone actually wants you"

so i let him have me
again and again
in places that felt wrong
to make it mean something
because i thought that’s what love was

so i became the cool girl, the **** girl, the one who always said yes because no never worked
saying no meant sighs and whining and guilt-tripping

then they’d leave anyway
and tell me i wasn’t worth much
i smiled like it didn’t matter
like i hadn’t heard it before

and i believed it
i thought that’s all i was good for
so i tried to be good at it
tried to look the part

eyeliner like war paint
tighter clothes, lower necklines
if i couldn’t be wanted for who i was,
i’d settle for being wanted at all

i didn’t want to be a daughter
or a girlfriend
or someone’s shameful secret

i just wanted to feel like i mattered
like maybe there was more to me
than what they took from me

i’m still trying to figure that out