I’ve always been curvy, it was something learned to handle from a young age. I wanted to be fun and loved, always trying to laugh. Men weren’t scary, but seemed known,  I felt safe with the men around me. Even if they had a defense and were harsh with words, they protected, supported, and defended me. Ive always been curvy, but when he touched me I didn’t expect it, I carried my own but I was 13 and carried unnecessary guilt. I’ve always been curvy, but it was something I could handle, something that with a bat of an eyelash I could benefit. Be a flirt, and suddenly a boy is doing your homework. Be friendly but always make it clear what you want. I’ve always been curvy, but by 15 I learned to not put myself in bad situations. I missed out but knew what “could’ve happened”. By 18 I’m going to college but don’t worry I’ve always been curvy I can handle it I’m close to home, I’m ready. I know I have a safety net around me, I won’t go to parties and risk anything. Be careful and calm. Breath. Where did everyone go? Why does nobody hear my screams, my absolute begs? Where is the safety net? What happened? That was bad. Bad. Bad. The tears are flowing and my parts hurt. All I know is I don’t know. My world is shaken. It’s bad bad bad. What was that? How did that happen? No it’s not that word, I’m not one of the victims. But then the realization hits and you just contemplate how to recover. How to not be repeatedly labeled as a victim? I lay awake as nights go by afraid of what tonights subconscious will play for 8 hours. To wake up shaking, confused, and absolutely terrified is not anything anyonel should experience. To have your world shaken when you need it the most is the deepest loneliness you’ll feel. When your body and your life doesn’t even feel like yours you’ll grip at reality as much as you can. Tighten the grip, you can’t give up. Be careful be calm. Breath. You’ve always been curvy you know your body, stare recognize the freckles and blemishes and scars. This is you. I know it’s so wrong but you have to start fresh now. Because that monster doesn’t get to remember you that way, you are more, be more. I say this as I lay in my bed trying to not fall asleep and dreading work that I constantly consume myself with, but I recognize little by little I will be alive again