I don't think I know what happiness is.
Or at least I haven't felt it in years.
I used to be illuminated from the inside,
positivity simply bubbling out of me,
like sunshine you could feel when I smiled.
But now all I feel is temporary relief.
A lull from the constant marathon in my mind.
It is not happiness
It's just not anxiety
It's not happiness
It's just not anger
It's not happiness
It's just not grief
It is numbness
With fractured fragments of feeling.
And in those moments I feel too much.
Tension that fills me from cascading waterfalls I'm helpless to dam,
and I wish I could find the girl in me who felt like sunshine during a summer rain.
Slightly magical,
full of whimsy,
and relishing in being beautifully out of place.
But she stopped dancing a long time ago.
Lying in concrete puddles,
soaking up the cold,
I'm not even sure she feels it anymore.
I'm not sure she feels anything anymore.