I count each thread
woven together
in my sheets.
Thirty-one days in March
thirty days in April.
maybe even a week in May

Time drags when you're waiting.
Right now I'm waiting
to purchase a round trip plane ticket
just to end up next to someone
twice your
size and
their elbows
stabbing away at your rib.
For lay overs and seeing
people wearing face mask.
Coughing and foreign languages
coming from every direction.
Eye ***** staring at you
you glance over,
the brave ones hold their gaze
while the others veer away quickly.
Traveling for hours can be a pain
in my full round bottom.

Twelve hour flight to land
to an arm extended out for love.
Taking an Uber to our hotel room
228 on the second floor.
This time it won't be awkward.
No
asking if I want to cuddle.
There'd be no soft kisses asking
If the other can come in.
I imagine as soon as the
luggage hits the floor.
Your fiery body and snake-like
curls moving closer
and just as mojitos are made
mint would be
muddled into a tall glass
with sugar
soda water
and yes ***.

I'd smoke afterwards
maybe have some wine.
None for you though
You've given that all up
cold turkey
but still I'd offer you a glass
and a drag.

This all takes time
you see.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
God, it kills away at me
especially since my spirits are either
very high or low-
never in-between
with my mental condition.
So the threads on my sheets
feel as barbed wire some nights-
soft as sin on others.

It's the hardest part,
waiting.
You phone
I write.
All the time we spend
on video calls.
But it's not enough for me
To get attention
I'll try to pick a fight
some are playful
like last nights.
They start off thick with frustration
but we end up teasing each other
until we're smirking
and laughing.

Other times they're
full of passion
and miscommunication
or simply because the fact
your obviously
not
******* here.

My therapist tries
to reason with me,
" Looks like he's moving forward,
it's not the desire to come or not,
just the time frame."
I hate when
things are up in the air
and you hate when I ask
questions you don't have answers to.

So I'm left to
tugging at threads
waiting for the green light
to go.