[COLD OPEN – JERRY, STAGE, SPOTLIGHT] ba-DOWMP bwowm-buhm
The algorithm isn’t a friend. It’s an ex who remembers your weaknesses. You liked one mango— now it’s fruit baskets and tropic-core girls with ring lights and trauma.
What is “For You”? I never filled out a form.
[SCENE: JERRY’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON STATIC] Kramer explodes in. Phone in hand, showing a woman licking a wall with 1.2 million likes.
“This,” he says, “is content.” Jerry: “This is crying for help in autoplay.”
“You gotta date the algorithm,” Kramer instructs. “A little like, a little skip, ghost it, come back with engagement.”
“Like Elaine at brunch?” “No—like Elaine in an elevator.”
[JERRY STAND-UP SEGUE] You don’t control TikTok. You imply preferences, like a hostage negotiating snack options.
I watched a gutter-cleaning video once. Now I’m GutterGuy™. It’s like being typecast in a movie no one’s filming.
[SCENE: MONK’S CAFÉ – THE GODS CONVENE] Elaine: “I typed ‘lol’ on a guy’s folding-shirt hack. Now he thinks we’re married.”
George: “It was a precise fold.” Elaine: “It was domestic competence, George.” George sips water, quietly judging his hairline.
He opened one baldness video. Now it’s testosterone gummies and former athletes whispering about DHT.
Elaine: “Your phone thinks you’re balding and insecure.” George: “It’s right.” Laugh track. But it’s too real.
[SCENE: JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT SHIFT] All present. Kramer’s doing a dance no one asked for. Elaine’s muting strangers. George is Googling “toupee AI filter.”
Jerry: “I didn’t choose my feed. It happened to me.” Swipe— crying woman, bread ad, cat in a bonnet. Swipe— drone strike, shoe review, guy sobbing in a gym mirror.
Kramer: “It’s curated chaos.” Elaine: “It’s aesthetic despair.” George: “It’s my mother, if she could code.”
[JERRY STAND-UP SEGUE] Targeted ads are ghost stories. “You still thinking about that rash?” “You cried once at 2am. Here’s a diffuser shaped like a mushroom.”
We’ve invented a marketplace for moods. An etiquette of optics. It’s all affect— with subtitles.
[CLOSING SCENE: PUTTY RETURNS, UNBLINKING] “I don’t use TikTok,” he says. “I just watch my microwave.”
[SLOW AKWARD ZOOM TO PUTTY'S UNFLICHING STOICISM]
Cut to: the microwave light, buzzing. An egg turns.
[CREDITS – BUT LOUDER, MORE AGGRESSIVE] ba-DOWMP ba-DAHHM dowm dowm dowm NETFLIX – now with ads.