Like a lightning strike-
electrically abuzz
grasping
for a rope then a bottle
of anti anxiety pills
love no longer within
reach.
Everything so bright so loud filament bulb burning eyes full of
salty tears
clenched like clamshells.
Vascular overflow like spring rivers in my head-
boom boom boom.
Faster,
boom boom boom.
Boom boom boom.
BOOM BOOM BOOM.

And you’re just standing there
bloodless
thinking about beers because you need to be drunker for this.

What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she be happy? I want her to be happy.

And I want to die. But not now at your feet writhing in pain, ignored, because it hurts that when you see me like this you look away.

"See how much I love you?"
Cut my wrists, string me up by my ankles, drink my blood tell me there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s okay not to be happy.

And you’re just standing there bloodless thinking about **** because you need to be higher for this.

So I swallow the stone in my throat that held back the deluge of all the vomitous feelings pill by pill like pounding rain going down down down.

Fading melting light
key in the ignition
I leave you behind
I drive myself to say
I took a bottle of pills.

After thoughts as the lights dim:

I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I am sad. I’m sorry I never felt like I was enough. I’m sorry I made you feel bad. It was me all along who hated myself and was too scared to make a change. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry I couldn’t rearrange my brain.

I am the one people warn you about the dark secubus that ***** everyone dry. A demon. A curse. Leave me in my hole. Bury me in the ground and don’t mark my grave.

Then, be happy.