The flow is knives

Chronic pain is an endless loop
Like Sisyphus and the stone
Pushing to be able to do regular tasks
And the pain as the boulder rolling back down over and over

Go with the flow they say
As if the flow isn’t knives
The water burning my skin
The fish eating my soul

Don’t focus on the pain
The pain is all I can think of as I lie on the floor waiting for it to pass
As I am unable to get up due to the agony
As I have to ask for help again and again

I do not like asking for help
I do not like doctors
I do not like hospitals
I do not like admitting defeat

But yoga is not going to fix the pain in my bones
Water is not going to fix the feeling that my skin is burning
Eating more veggies is not going to fix the exhaustion
Exercising is not going to fix the grief over who I used to be

People do not understand the amount of grief that accompanies chronic pain
Grief over who I was
Grief over who I will never become
Grief over what I am unable to do

The fight that you will inevitably lose
The feeling of just getting sick and never getting better