6pm. Dinner with you has always been the opposite of mundane - we both couldn’t eat without watching a show so we had yours open in the background. A contingency - a safety net incase the awkwardness between us overshadowed the fact that we’re spending time with each other. This was when it dawned on me - the inevitability that I will someday hurt you.

I read somewhere that sometimes, people form trauma bonds. It’s like a sick sense of belonging to a situation that keeps on hurting you and the only reason you stay is because it feels familiar. Stockholm Syndrome should learn a thing or two from me because I have unconsciously mastered the art of making someone stay. I am constantly at a stalemate between wanting to spend the rest of my days with you and wishing that you someday realize what I have been whispering to our pillows every single time you’re asleep - I DO NOT DESERVE LOVE. LEAVING ME IS THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO FOR YOURSELF. SAVE YOURSELF FROM ME. I have grown accustomed to loving you, i admit. Loving you was like my first time riding a harley. Terrifying. No helmet or elbow pads so in the future, my scars can attest to how i fell for you. I love you enough to sometimes want to **** myself to give you a better chance of survival.

6am, You are the first thing on my mind. Like a ****** awoken by a higher power I wake up everyday excited for another chance to love you better - love you the way you were supposed to be loved - love you so much that even cupid would be jealous of the amount of love one person can offer. Instead I hurt you. I’ve heard somewhere that hurt people hurt people, that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself. *******. I love you so much that sometimes i forget to hate myself. Like a singular lamp post in the middle of an obscure road, and I a moth scorching myself every time i try to get close to you - I would burn for you. Nothing else matters as long as i love you but how can a dog born deaf learn how to howl, how am i supposed to love you when love has never been a feeling I enamored until i met you.

Is it kindness or cruelty to make you want to leave? Is it mercy to accept the fact that i am a lost cause and you are much better off loving someone who deserves it. I gave you every piece of me and called it love - created an entire ocean from my broken pieces to offer you love but failing to realize i never taught you how to swim.