They hadn't felt its caress.
They hadn't felt the God-awful withdrawal,
“Just admit it, you have a problem.”
That I did that I do, that I will.
  My past, my present and my future
It’s honestly devastatingly easier that way.
Denial was, is, will be,
My lovingly apathetic partner.
This could all be a vividly beautiful dream,
A psychoactive illusion of the mind in order to break me once more.
That’s the awful idea I've had leading up to this point.
And yet I’m still reluctant to let go.
I can’t admit obvious defeat.
If I were to utter those three words,
Even aloud to myself…              
I’d fall down the rabbit hole and be lost amongst Alice’s Tears.
And at that point I’d like to selfishly think she wept somewhat for me.
My resolve is slowly disintegrating
And with each passing moment and i painfully realize where i stand.
No form of stubborn adolescence will save me from my dreaded epiphany.
You are what i long for,
Even more than the drug of easy denial,
Of comforting numbness,
Of absolute nothing.
Though they seem to gracefully invite me in with what seems like open hearts,
I am sadly held at arm’s length.
And instead of their cold embrace,
I wish for yours.
Instead of detachment,
I want the overwhelmingly delightful sense of electricity that comes with only a memory.
Instead of loneliness,
I wish for you.
Though it was much more uncomplicated to not care for defiance had been my best friend.
I think I’m okay with loving you.