i tried writing an apology but
the words wouldn't come
it's not that i'm not Sorry
no
i've been scratching at my skin, tearing at the fabric of my body
hoping to find a better human underneath
one who can treat you right

i know i ****** up.

but any words of reconciliation i tried to conjure up refused to collaborate and all i was left with
was a blank white page
whiter than my knuckles when i cry
(you see, i have to squeeze tight to make sure i don't fall apart)

what i'd like to tell you is,
i love you
it won't happen again
i'll always be good to you
and never so selfish
it's all going to be okay.

but i can't
even as i'm writing these words this blanket is getting heavier and i am shrinking and i
do
not
have
control

so i cannot make a promise i cannot keep and i cannot tell a man what i cannot foresee
so darling

instead of "i'm Sorry"
you'll just have to accept "please"

begging for forgiveness at your feet
is much more in my comfort zone anyway
this much i can do for you
this is how i show i care