I look at you with love
I also look at you with sadness
so long I have hid this pain
and now you wish you could take it away
wasn't it you who said you didn't understand it?
you told me I couldn't possibly feel this way
I hid this pain because I knew your reaction
you didn't come to until someone else explained it to you
I tried to explain but you shut me out
and now you don't trust me when I've done nothing to betray that trust
you tell me your scared I'll run off
since I was a child I dreamed of running away
my house was never a home
yes I was loved
but I was alone
I felt like a guest in the family and that of which I can't explain
but when you hide your pain you hide yourself
it makes it feel like no one really knows you
that's how I felt
like a stranger in my home because no one knew me
and no one saw I was alone
you never knew I was struggling because you never learned the signs
you took me being silent as an attitude of mine
I lost in my thoughts
I was feeling alone
I was depressed
and my house did feel like a home
I wanted to run away to a place I could cry openly
I cried alone hoping no one would hear me
no you are not a villain for you did not see
you had other things important and you thought I was fine
you fed me
you clothed me
you kept me alive
I'm sorry to tell you I was dying inside
I was crying out for help in my silence
I was counting the days in my head
I was eight years old wishing I was dead
I had no friends
family felt so close yet distant
I didn't understand it
I didn't understand my mind
I never understood why
why was it me who had these thoughts?
why was it me who was alone?
I became strong for you
I knew it was what you needed
I grew up too fast so I wouldn't be a problem
I was mature for my age
your're welcome
I sacrificed my childhood to make sure I wouldn't be a problem child
I know you never asked me
but I did anyway
I couldn't stand to see you look at me that way
with so much pain
with so much anger
it all caught up to me either way
I saw the look that I had been dreading
I still see it in my eyes you don't see me the same
your eyes are filled with pain
they're filled with worry
always wondering if I'll stay
I promise you I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
sometimes I still wish I could run away but I still love you at the end of the day
you are my mother
you are my light
you kept me alive
in more ways than one though you might not know
I've been fighting for you this whole time
just so I wouldn't make you cry
I stayed strong
I grew up fast
just so you could see me the next day
just so I wouldn't see your pain
no you didn't ask me
but it was implied
all those times you looked annoyed at their cries
I didn't want to be the reason for that annoyed look in your eyes
you say killing yourself is selfish so I held on tight so at my funeral there wouldn't be rage in your eyes
I held on to this life so you wouldn't attend my funeral
so you wouldn't cry
so I wouldn't be the reason for the pain in your eyes
so I wouldn't be the reason you would cry yourself to sleep at night
you say you're a bad mother and that's just not right
you just got a selfless daughter who didn't want to see you cry
one that held it all in for you
became strong for you
grew up too fast for you
this isn't your fault
you're not to blame
don't worry about me for I've been fighting this for awhile
I know how to get over this
it takes some time though you wouldn't know
I kept that from you
I'm sorry that I have
I'm sorry I grew up way too fast
I'm sorry I became strong and shut you out
I'm sorry for the bad words that have left my mouth
I love you so much mom
for I have fought this for you
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep this from you
I'm sorry you found out that I'm not perfect
I'm sorry you had to see me hurting
I'm sorry I never understood where you were coming from
neither one of us is better than the other
but you are such a good mother
I wish communication with us was better
maybe one day I'll open up
maybe one day we can both trust
maybe one day we'll be better
but right now we're stuck in this endless weather
this endless storm is tearing us apart
I could stop it but I don't have the courage to talk to your face
dear mom I'm sorry I hope you can forgive me in someway