When it comes to the fear of abandonment, I’m no stranger.

I see pretty much EVERYTHING (a ****** expression, a sigh, body language) as a sign that someone is going to leave me.

I’m worried that if I make a mistake, mess up, aren’t “good enough” or disappoint my “favorite person” in any way, that people will get sick and tired of me and leave.

And then — even with a lack of evidence that there is any real, true cause for concern (the person has reassured me they have no intention or desire to leave me), the spiral is already in motion.

I behave and react from that place of certainty that they would leave me.  I panic, freak out, and go to extreme lengths to stop abandonment from happening.

When this happens, understandably, it’s really confusing for the other person.  

Essentially, I’m  interpreting little things as being big (and certain) indicators that someone is going to leave or abandon me when, in reality upon checking,  the other person is NOT wanting to leave me.

This can be really confusing for people on the other end of this: lovers, friends, family members, colleagues, bosses, subordinates, therapists…

Sometimes they feel an obligation to reassure me. I worry sometimes that I am wearing them out.  And sometimes I do think I have evidence for this, because,, as they put it, “What can I possibly do to make you believe that I am not going to leave?”

Sadly, if I don’t break this pattern when fear of abandonment rears its ugly head, I realize that people can become very burned out.

I may be doing the exact thing I don’t want to do by pushing people away and alienating them. This hurts others, and they may end up feeling uncomfortable and unhappy enough to leave at some point…for real.

Well, this just proves that everybody leaves and rejects me, right?

Not exactly. I need to understand my responsibility in all of this.

I keep repeating the same patterns and having the same outcomes without the tools to communicate and express my fear in a way that is not off putting to others.

I don’t know how to ask for what I want and need and trust I can get it in healthy ways.

I don’t know how to establish and enforce boundaries that help me feel safe and secure.

I don’t know how to trust that I am worthy of someone loving me and sticking around.

So, I respond the way I always have…I get hysterical…I have panic attacks…I get very clingy, jealous, and sometimes angry and even paranoid.

And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that people are going to leave. But it’s because I’m pushing them away.