she cannot cry at funerals
shes been to many
but never cried

she remembers her first
remembers being in his arms,
hunched over dads shoulder
watching
mom was crying
everyone crying
and she didnt understand why
she remembered a monotone voice
speaking over a dull field,
everyone so sad all of the sudden

the next funeral she visited
she was much older
still a child, but getting to a point where she could think for herself
she remembers the box
the gorgeous, metallic baby blue box
tracing silver prayer hands with her fingers
and reading every card on every boquet
that lay in front of this small stage
featuring that box
she remembers everyone crying, in a different dull field,
and watching the casket go down
thinking to herself
that she should cry with everyone else
but feeling no tears

the next she almost cried at
the person she loved most
layed to rest in his pink floyd shirt
bald
and she remembered being up there
her mother all over him, crying and greeting everyone
seeing him and touching a completely cold corpse for the first time, shocked by how hard he was
seeing how low his eyes sank into his head, and knowing that that was the last time she could see him
thinking about it constantly
but finding no tears
she genuinely felt sad
and the one time she was going to cry
seeing her uncle, a strong, amazing guy who always had everything held together,
her cousin told her to stop watching , and she did,
and she was never able to show her sadness

funerals after that were routine, could never cry, but admire things around her,
the way that people felt bad for the dead
the room full of amazing flowers
the architecture of the wooden chapel an inspiration had her ceremony in,
always respected the dead  and their family,
but could never understand
why she had no tears

and every time she reflects on funerals
she almost feels guilty for not crying
but what tears were there to give?