I wish I had medications
So my pain didn’t come out in excuses.
Everybody’s shy but me?
I wanna die.

No one understands complexities until they reach for a thousand years
Deeper, deeper and deeper still
And even then I don’t get a sympathetic ear.

Benzos: I learnt the name from a book
Not from the mouth of a doctor I saw a few times until the receptionist said
“You’re here AGAIN?”

My mum didn’t see the traits
Of every illness that clogged my body like arsenic… good job I couldn’t get hold of a lighter like everybody else could.

I’ve spun around my world so many times
At my big age I should know how to balance
But I still feel so weak
As if my legs will give way

Any. Second. Now.

I wish I could pop a pill
Line them up in little boxes
Save myself from drunkenness to mask the stuttering and shame

You KNOW the only way to prove I want to die…