It is better to be alone in a room full of people than to be left to your own devices. It’s much harder to tell yourself you’re fine than it is to tell other people. The thing about crowds is that you have to put on this face to make people believe that you’ve made it through the war, clean of bloodstains and unharmed. You have to pretend that you are stronger than you look. You have to believe it.
But when you’re alone, and nobody is there for you to fool but yourself, it suddenly becomes a struggle to stay lucid in pretty thoughts. When everybody else gets tired of “you” and chooses to leave, you have nowhere else to go.
To find death is the only true escape from these corrosive thoughts we call home.