there's some things that I do
without even realizing
that I probably
shouldn't

like the way I unload the dishwasher
seconds after its done
the ceramics searing my skin ever so slightly
just enough to make my comfortable
uncomfortable

or how I light a match
and calmly watch it's slow descend
allowing it to lick my fingertips for a moment
just to feel the slight
burn

and when I turn the shower water
a little too warm
just enough to feel my body protest
pleading for me to move away
staying still just long enough
for the pain to numb again

or when my stomach begs for food
a piercing pain prompting me to eat
as I ignore it for hours,
days
just enough for my hands to shake
and the world to blur

the way when something hurts me
I let it hurt, silently observing
as if watching to see how much pain I can take
before I ultimately break
wondering if I've
already
broke