For a while I chose you
Because loving you
meant running away from me-
it meant focusing on
anything that wasn't me.
For a while like the restless  waves of a stormy night
I chose to runway from
the silence,
from the stillness  of being
stuck with myself

I didn't want love,
I didn't love you
I was obsessed with the
idea of love-
the imagery of sharing
piecse of myself,
of giving myself to
someone.
But even then I couldn't
do it.
You see, I'm a coward when
it comes to emotions
that aren't mine to hold,
emotions that place
someone on a pedestal,
or worse, emotions that
have the potential to make
me lose,
To make me hurt for them.

I love love yes-
the idea of it, the thought
of it.
It sends goosebumps down
my spine
makes me safe and
protected,
like a haven that is kind
and generous,
a love that give to me whole heartedly.
But I won't-
I will not give myself away
I know what it's like to lose
yourself,
to fade into someone else's
shadow.
I refuse to be that girl
again.

So, no, I will not fall in
love.
I want to to walk in love,
to choose it deliberately
I refuse to freefall into
something
I don't know how to
hold