Last Night

Last night i accidentally confessed to my friend

I didn’t even know i did it until he started to apologize and tell me i deserved better
“I wish i could give you what you deserve.” Is what he said to me
And i laughed and asked him what he was talking about
When he started to explain, i swear i could feel the color drain from my face
“How could i be so stupid?”
I read the messages over and over again, holding my phone close to my eyes, reading over and over and over again
I threw my phone to the ground and hid myself in the bathroom
Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan played on loop
I couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t start breathing
I held my legs up to my chest
“I don't want to,
I don't want to”
I repeated over and over, sobbing through my words
No one heard my cries
No one heard my tears
Even if they did, no one would help
I wouldn't let them.
One swipe across my arm
Two
Three
Five
Ten
Twenty
And i lost count.
Once i ran out of room i flipped my arm over, wine dripping on my bathroom floor tiles
One swipe across my wrist
Two
Twenty.
I open the app and it gives me a notification, “24 days sober!”
I click past it and press “relapse.”
“You are not alone,”
The app tells me
But i am.
I am so alone.