trying to write
trying to smile
trying to push through distracted by memories
Just Me & You...

It seems I've fallen prey to it again...
Recognized patterns of
behaviors, signs, actions
YES...  RED FLAGS!!!
Yet still blinded by HIM..

This kind of Love,
without a doubt,
Is what I imagined it to be like...
with My Soul Mate
Or so I thought...

Fun, exciting, spontanious, kind, humble, and romantic
Extremely intelligent,  plethra of music-
he loved playing DJ
Music brought us together, the lyrics are poems

My life is poetry...
Some dark some sad some happy some strange and some that just don't make any sense... cuz it's my life!!!

We talked and danced many a night and other times we both wrote poetry

We met at work and quickly became best of friends
We made a deal to work out together
He would train me
NO complaining or missing days
Otherwise that would be the end of us working out together

After six months
I reached my goal which made myself esteem Skyrocket since I was very depressed before all this

While doing laundry at my home walking up and down the stairs I used to mumble to myself "is this really my life, is this it"

We were happy hanging out, working together, etc.  (still just friends)
we started writing bikes, going on walks, and writing poetry

After six months
I reached my goal which made my self-esteem skyrocket, since I was very depressed before all this

We were happy hanging out, working together, etc.  (still just friends)
we started writing bikes, going on walks, eating healthy and writing poetry

partners for about a 1 1/2 yrs (only friends, that's all)
which made me feel safe but it also attracted me to him as well...

As is, all good things must come to an end
but this time,
it crashed into us
OR So I Thought...

Just as we were falling in love, only together a few months
He suddenly moved across country to  care of his mother

we stayed together
visited back and forth across country
for almost 4 of the longest years of my life

long-distance lonliness was taking its toll
I started a Blog called 'IMNOPENBOOK'
It posted song videos with lyrics...
As the songs played, I wrote poetry...
about my feelings...
Good, Bad, Ugly, Scary, Death, Hatred, Loss, Betrayal, Pain, Suffering, Grief, Regret, etc.
LIFE..

Over 2,400 poems just poured out
it was the emotional outlet needed to cope during a very difficult, emotionally dark period in my life...

Four years later back together, rented an apartment, got jobs, etc.
It was like we were in the honeymoon phase, just starting out our lives-what we've been waiting for all this time..
Things were going well
And we were happy for a long while...
Until We Weren't...

The time spent apart changed both of us tremendously...
By this time, were both  drinking heavily and using drugs pretty Often...
Some of us more than others...
Quite More!!!

We were not connecting, not coping with our own realities, self medicating just to get through the day

This is when the harsh truth began to show it's evil hand...

Two Alcoholic/Drug Addicts... emotionally/physically abusive, nasty, violent drinkers that led to domestic violence, police, arrests, court dates, restraining orders, jail cells, overdoses, hospitalizations, stealing, lying, manipulation, betrayal, loss, and in the end...
DEATH!!!

Out of the darkness
came sadness, shame, guilt, bravery, strength, and hope...

New Beginnings, lessons learned, mended fences, restored relationships, forgiveness of self and others

I cannot shake how I still feel such intense love and lust for HIM...
thinking dreaming missing him almost every single day
No regrets...

HE was the love of my life, a love-hate kinda relationship
When he was GOOD,
HE was very very GOOD...
When he was BAD,
HE was horrid...

'The Good outweighed the Bad'
Thats how I Justified it

If I had to do it all over again... theres NO doubt in my mind ...
I would change nothing

Those were some of the best years of my life with the man I love...
Always will love...
Alwayz in my Heart...
See you in my Dreams...

... Kelcee All