Dec 2024
1) i make lists in my notes app
staring at the page – struggling
something here feels wrong
pronoun use too direct? as though attacking –
perhaps a different one would work better
2) they spiral out of my (still wrong) thoughts, pale white bone on dark dark dark
3) you think (yes, that’s the one) surely it cannot be that much
4) i (no. go back) make lists for:
5) ways [ ] have hurt [ ] friends ; work in progress
6) what [ ] want to do when [ ] get older; if i get older
7) friends birthdays ; and
8) ways to annoy [ ] mother -
9) ways to make [ ] father like [ ] again ; and
10) times [ ] have recognised that [ ] am poorer than most ; the first entry dated for the day i turned twelve
11) topics that cannot be mentioned at all ; ones that evoke ridicule / shame / regret or ones from aborted attempts at conversation
12) bets ; this note i label as the crux of this problem – it is cowardice in every form / a way of communication without vulnerability / only one bet has been made / this note has served its purpose
13) plans for days [ ] am left alone ; neatly segmented into one hour blocks / five minutes allotted between each
14) train routes and bus times and math ; thirty minutes early is better than on time / a statement that i am willing to die to prove
15) and you see the problem now, don’t you?
16) these lists are created as a means to an end
17) desperate attempts to keep this whirling mind attached to its base
18) because communication in a void is better
19) than no communication at all
20) here is a list of things that nobody else knows: i am slightly gap-toothed / when i smile it feels like stretching a cloth or mask or cover or slip or hood over my face. like a suffocation / i cannot imagine a future without you in it / this scares me
21) and you see the problem now
22) don’t you?
23) i have turned this poem into a list / i will turn you into a list / my acts of devotion are harmless words dotted in the corners of journals, sticky notes, widgets on my phone / they spiral endlessly from me / a besieged writer chased by their words
24) and i still haven’t figured out who to pin the blame on
staring at the page – struggling
something here feels wrong
pronoun use too direct? as though attacking –
perhaps a different one would work better
2) they spiral out of my (still wrong) thoughts, pale white bone on dark dark dark
3) you think (yes, that’s the one) surely it cannot be that much
4) i (no. go back) make lists for:
5) ways [ ] have hurt [ ] friends ; work in progress
6) what [ ] want to do when [ ] get older; if i get older
7) friends birthdays ; and
8) ways to annoy [ ] mother -
9) ways to make [ ] father like [ ] again ; and
10) times [ ] have recognised that [ ] am poorer than most ; the first entry dated for the day i turned twelve
11) topics that cannot be mentioned at all ; ones that evoke ridicule / shame / regret or ones from aborted attempts at conversation
12) bets ; this note i label as the crux of this problem – it is cowardice in every form / a way of communication without vulnerability / only one bet has been made / this note has served its purpose
13) plans for days [ ] am left alone ; neatly segmented into one hour blocks / five minutes allotted between each
14) train routes and bus times and math ; thirty minutes early is better than on time / a statement that i am willing to die to prove
15) and you see the problem now, don’t you?
16) these lists are created as a means to an end
17) desperate attempts to keep this whirling mind attached to its base
18) because communication in a void is better
19) than no communication at all
20) here is a list of things that nobody else knows: i am slightly gap-toothed / when i smile it feels like stretching a cloth or mask or cover or slip or hood over my face. like a suffocation / i cannot imagine a future without you in it / this scares me
21) and you see the problem now
22) don’t you?
23) i have turned this poem into a list / i will turn you into a list / my acts of devotion are harmless words dotted in the corners of journals, sticky notes, widgets on my phone / they spiral endlessly from me / a besieged writer chased by their words
24) and i still haven’t figured out who to pin the blame on
