If you could hear me right now
Would you call again?
Even with knowing I would ignore your attempt
I was proud whenever we went out
And you showed off your tattoo
My name written along your chest
And I was proud
When you’d call me down
To the basement to show me
Your pile of Polaroid’s
And I saw who you were at 16
With golden gloves
For hands
And I was so proud that you were
My dad
But I must have forgotten what it was like before
Mom died
My 5 year old eyes
Watched you
Turn our house into a boxing ring
And you’d use your hands to show your anger
On a woman who loved you more than the world
I don’t blame the cancer
I blame you
She fought for her life
And you were giving her
A reason to not want to
Anymore
I must have forgotten this
After she left
I remember being on the front lawn
With my hands over my heart
Vowing to never leave that spot
Until she came home
But you are the one who dragged me inside
And told me my
Mumma was in the sky
And from that day on
You were my new best friend
I just wanted to be a kid
But you’d make me sit on your bed
And watch the home video
Where you married your best friend
And my t shirt soaked in a grown
Man’s tears
I watched that video so many times
It’s like I was there
I don’t know if you realize that
Not only did you lose your wife
But I lost my mom
I must have forgotten that because
I held you tight and said
“duddah don’t cry”
But there was a time
I’d stand in front of the knife drawer
When you two would fight
Just in case you would want
To experiment with new weapons
I know you wouldn’t
If I was there
To stop you
5 years old
And I knew what humans could hold
Inside them
And I must have forgotten that
Through the 3 years I was stuck alone with you
Until
I was sleeping soundly
And my 8 year old brain
Forgot that we had fire place tools
That were considered dangerous
And I walked out at 2 am
And saw you hurting
Someone who was supposed to be your friend
And I never stepped foot in that house again after that night

I was taken away

I found out later
That you had ran off
And they found piles of needles
Where you used to sleep
And I couldn’t accept
The fact that you would choose a
Drug over me
I couldn’t accept it
I couldn’t
I loved you
So much
I really believed it wasn’t true

Growing up
I no longer had you
At one point
You were doing better
But your veins had gotten lonely
And you fell back to your ways
And that was the day
I vowed
With my hands over my heart
I would never
Speak to you again

Would you approve of the one I love?
I blame you
Not for loving him
But for why I continue to
He chooses the evils in the world over me
Just like you
And he can’t see how much I love him
Just like you
And he will never love me more than the demons
He mistakes for happiness that creep on his skin
Just like you

But I can’t ignore his calls
And I want my shirt soaked in his sorrow
And I want to change him
Because I couldn’t change you
You’d think id learn
That you can’t make a human
Become a different person
Unless they want to be
And
Even though you can’t give it up
Just know I still love you
And as much and I hate to say it
I miss you
Because there was a time between all the ****** up things you’d do
Where we were inseparable
I’ve heard you don’t even talk about her anymore
I think you always felt she was with me
And if you don’t have me
Then you don’t have her
I blame you
And I am so sorry.