all those times I thought
I am the second option; I was right
For the first time since I left
I use your weather app today
Not knowing your name shows
on the URL tab
I kissed it anyway and I did not know
My eyes would give in
I havent grieved the loss of you
I really haven’t got the chance
to cry my heart out
When i decided to leave
I miss you so ******* much
I miss you Moe
My throat prevents me from breathing
It’s stupid writing all these
journals with nothing but you about you
Even after knowing that you
would never get to read a single word
Even after i die these thoughts
will be buried with me
They will took my heart from
my ribs while putting me on the casket
But my heart has been long gone since
The muscle beating inside me now is fake
The real one was given away and
taken by you
Oh right i saw you online last night
I forgot why i was so scared to
check my phone during midnight
So i stayed at my workdesk
entire shift everyday pretending
the world is round
Cause how can I live Moe
How can i continue to exist in
a world that does not have you
It’s worse than dying alone
I wonder how you look right now
Are your eyes still brown
Is your hair still uncut
Your beard growing around your face
I so badly want to touch your
mustache
And kiss the top of your nose
Which you so badly hate
Do you still talk to her
Are you happier now
Is she making you laugh
Does your cold heart grow warm
whenever she’s there
Does it beat like you said it did
when i called you daddy
I bet it did
You never really want me
I was fool to believe for a second that
Finally someone loved me the same way
I loved love
I should’ve woken up
I should’ve known i dont deserve to be loved the way
I loved you
Im a cheater
A liar
A manipulator
I take advantage of how people feel
and use it to my own benefit
I dont have a pure heart
I’m broke
Even God tried to fix me
And I still managed to wreck me
over and over again
One thing I asks is to never know
What you truly feel about me
Imagine how painful that would be
To find out the person you wanted the most
The only one you want to marry
Who consumes your mind and soul
Morning noon night
Doesn’t even give a **** about you
So if the impossible happens
And you get to read this journal
Please be kind and don’t tell me
how you really feel
Save yourself the trouble
But if i’m given a second to see you
I would shout I love you Moe
If I’m given a minute to sit beside you
I would hug you until you faint
I would go back to 2019 where everything was okay
And I would look for you just to tell you I love you
I love you
Its you I was searching for
My soul must be made for you
But that’s a lie
If it were true
Your soul would have been glad
when it find mine too
I don’t have my stuffed toys with me
Cause they would remind me of you


Funny because my bf gave them to me
I’m the worst