when you look at yourself in the mirror, do you feel real then?

when you walk around and everything is blurry but not and your body is miles away and hopelessly heavy, do you feel real then?

when you tear into the skin of your arm because you’re desperately searching for color, do you feel real then?

when you can’t focus your eyes, or you can but it doesn’t work right, do you feel real then?

do you look at yourself from years ago and think it’s not you?

i don’t think i ever had any discernible sense of self to begin with.

when you feel emotions, but they aren’t really yours, do you feel real then?

when your chest gets heavy, but the weight is never enough to keep you tethered to reality, do you feel real then?

when the still, flowing blood rushes and freezes in your ears, do you feel real then?

and when everyone tells you you’re okay because you look okay, and you smile, but you didn’t make your lips tilt and you’re screaming at yourself, begging yourself to reclaim your skin and your mouth and your hands, and your body moves when you tell it to but you didn’t feel it move,

do you feel real then?