There's something special here. An open heart and open ears, my life and struggles, no worries and no troubles. It is easy to lose sight  and to live through emotions. So easy to lose what's important for things small and pleasurable. I do not want a life of regret I have to many of those already. I know how to carry these struggles. My only God showed me. Still I keep adding mistakes. I have so many. I say my issues do not have consequences even if the strictures say they do. In reality I face them so. Why is it that I find it hard to live holy? I fear that God has let death take me. I have never been happy (that is a lie, i have felt joy.) When I laugh and smile  I fear it is wicked. Have i gone mad? Please Lord God  I beg you on my knees, please forgive me and restore me. Amen