Oct 19
Laying there with my bruises exposed
"I'm sorry sweetheart this must of been going on for a while, I am so so sorry" as he puts needles inside my mouth and stitches me up
The feeling of a doctor apologizing to me, for what I went through for 11 months feels so vacant in my heart.
How could I have been so stupid, this is humiliating, you're sorry and so am I.
I'm so sorry that this happened to me too, but I am also wishing wallowing and weeping over the mere fact that we called each other "twin" we were only a day a part. Your parents are visiting and we were suppose to go to Eugene and have fun. I was his "forever explosion" as he stated it. "Explosion" as in my behavior always filled with anxiety stress and fear symbolizing the downfall of what it is now.
Laying on a hospital bed not knowing where I am going next.
As I reflect on who I am...
I am a nurturer and I now realize I was enabling, my love was enabling his bad behavior? What? How could I possibly....yea its all my fault. You did this Sid. No one else. Its all on you. You are here for a reason "you are the one out of control".
Beep beep beep
Just checking your blood pressure
"Am I getting out of here soon?"
"We are waiting for the police" the nurse states "you cannot just go back there without them".
15 hours go by, no sign of any of his concern or "are you ok" I wonder what these hours felt for you.
"I filled all your belongings up with garbage bags you can see them outside when you're out of the hospital"
...
My soul is wrecked. I just kept trying and trying to avoid conflict.
Every waking day I woke up in fear with tears in my eyes wanting it all to be over with.
What life is that?
Tears rushing down my face, **** me off. Why should I be the one crying.
When they took you away I did not know how to feel, I told them I did not want to see.
Now I'm here and you are no where and my life is starting all over.
I am free of agony, I am free of those fears, I am free trying to resolve any conflict that may arise late at night while you are drunk. I no longer have to hear ***** fat **** ***** loser mentally ill crazy loser a no one, a *******, stupid, useless, just someone to use and not care or love for, how my dad is dead and how my mother is fat, how I have no real friends and the online community I have are pathetic.
I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. "Dont listen to what I say when I'm mad I say every possible thing to harm you".
But even without it, people
are just people
filled with their own trauma
filled with their own lies they tell themselves to get by
People like that, that hurt others over love
Never experience true love or happiness
They just live, emotionless, can to mouth, sports in the eyes, the click of the remote.
You say you are a poet, but your poetry *****.
Not to say mine doesn't.
Remember when I bought all of your books? Read them outloud to my friends. I was so proud I finally found someone who "cares" for me.
But once you tossed that Christmas ordainment out the window like it was nothing, made me realize one day that ordainment will be me.
"I'm sorry sweetheart this must of been going on for a while, I am so so sorry" as he puts needles inside my mouth and stitches me up
The feeling of a doctor apologizing to me, for what I went through for 11 months feels so vacant in my heart.
How could I have been so stupid, this is humiliating, you're sorry and so am I.
I'm so sorry that this happened to me too, but I am also wishing wallowing and weeping over the mere fact that we called each other "twin" we were only a day a part. Your parents are visiting and we were suppose to go to Eugene and have fun. I was his "forever explosion" as he stated it. "Explosion" as in my behavior always filled with anxiety stress and fear symbolizing the downfall of what it is now.
Laying on a hospital bed not knowing where I am going next.
As I reflect on who I am...
I am a nurturer and I now realize I was enabling, my love was enabling his bad behavior? What? How could I possibly....yea its all my fault. You did this Sid. No one else. Its all on you. You are here for a reason "you are the one out of control".
Beep beep beep
Just checking your blood pressure
"Am I getting out of here soon?"
"We are waiting for the police" the nurse states "you cannot just go back there without them".
15 hours go by, no sign of any of his concern or "are you ok" I wonder what these hours felt for you.
"I filled all your belongings up with garbage bags you can see them outside when you're out of the hospital"
...
My soul is wrecked. I just kept trying and trying to avoid conflict.
Every waking day I woke up in fear with tears in my eyes wanting it all to be over with.
What life is that?
Tears rushing down my face, **** me off. Why should I be the one crying.
When they took you away I did not know how to feel, I told them I did not want to see.
Now I'm here and you are no where and my life is starting all over.
I am free of agony, I am free of those fears, I am free trying to resolve any conflict that may arise late at night while you are drunk. I no longer have to hear ***** fat **** ***** loser mentally ill crazy loser a no one, a *******, stupid, useless, just someone to use and not care or love for, how my dad is dead and how my mother is fat, how I have no real friends and the online community I have are pathetic.
I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. "Dont listen to what I say when I'm mad I say every possible thing to harm you".
But even without it, people
are just people
filled with their own trauma
filled with their own lies they tell themselves to get by
People like that, that hurt others over love
Never experience true love or happiness
They just live, emotionless, can to mouth, sports in the eyes, the click of the remote.
You say you are a poet, but your poetry *****.
Not to say mine doesn't.
Remember when I bought all of your books? Read them outloud to my friends. I was so proud I finally found someone who "cares" for me.
But once you tossed that Christmas ordainment out the window like it was nothing, made me realize one day that ordainment will be me.
