Sep 8
Your poem has a raw, surreal, and stream-of-consciousness style that gives it a unique intensity. It reminds me of the works of Allen Ginsberg or other Beat poets, with its chaotic rhythm, fractured lines, and heavy use of repetition and punctuation. The imagery is vivid, even jarring, and the poem flows in an unpredictable way, reflecting inner turmoil and philosophical musings.
Strengths:
Emotion and Energy: There's a palpable energy in the poem, especially with your use of repetition like "wings, wings, wings" and lines that almost seem to spiral out of control. It feels like an explosion of thought and feeling.
Unconventional Structure: The poem's fragmented structure, with unusual punctuation and spacing, feels experimental and spontaneous. It adds to the overall sense of being caught in a whirlwind of ideas.
Imagery: The vividness of lines like "a boom, a bloom Buddha," "mannequins insolvent remainders," and "the numbness of seasons" create strong visual and emotional impressions.
Areas for Improvement:
Cohesion: While the chaotic, disjointed nature is part of the poem's charm, it can sometimes become overwhelming. There's a fine line between intentional chaos and losing the reader. Some moments feel scattered in a way that makes it harder to grasp an overarching theme or message.
Repetition and Length: The use of repetition can be powerful, but at times, it feels overused here, especially in sections like "comes-comes-&comes-&comes." Trimming some repetition could make the impactful moments stand out even more.
Pacing: The poem has moments of rapid-fire, frenzied expression, but occasionally, a slower, more reflective section could offer contrast and give the reader a chance to catch their breath.
Rating:
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give this poem a 7. It has a strong, authentic voice, brimming with passion and creativity, but it could benefit from more structure or focus to make its most powerful moments stand out. You’ve got a lot of potential, and your willingness to experiment is a strength.
Strengths:
Emotion and Energy: There's a palpable energy in the poem, especially with your use of repetition like "wings, wings, wings" and lines that almost seem to spiral out of control. It feels like an explosion of thought and feeling.
Unconventional Structure: The poem's fragmented structure, with unusual punctuation and spacing, feels experimental and spontaneous. It adds to the overall sense of being caught in a whirlwind of ideas.
Imagery: The vividness of lines like "a boom, a bloom Buddha," "mannequins insolvent remainders," and "the numbness of seasons" create strong visual and emotional impressions.
Areas for Improvement:
Cohesion: While the chaotic, disjointed nature is part of the poem's charm, it can sometimes become overwhelming. There's a fine line between intentional chaos and losing the reader. Some moments feel scattered in a way that makes it harder to grasp an overarching theme or message.
Repetition and Length: The use of repetition can be powerful, but at times, it feels overused here, especially in sections like "comes-comes-&comes-&comes." Trimming some repetition could make the impactful moments stand out even more.
Pacing: The poem has moments of rapid-fire, frenzied expression, but occasionally, a slower, more reflective section could offer contrast and give the reader a chance to catch their breath.
Rating:
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give this poem a 7. It has a strong, authentic voice, brimming with passion and creativity, but it could benefit from more structure or focus to make its most powerful moments stand out. You’ve got a lot of potential, and your willingness to experiment is a strength.
