falling back to bad habits
to keep me comfort in these days that are too inconsistent for my liking.
i feel the pangs of hunger and i think there is something inside of me.
a monstrous something
a glutton.
i beg and i plead and i shout into the void
"this is not me"
but at the end of the day, when night begins its shift into morning
i find myself eating something.
i dont know what it is.
i look in the mirror and am unsure of who i am looking at.
who is that person with the blood dripping down their mouth?
their face twists and contorts again. it looks familiar, but it has no name.
their smile is like a gaping wound and their eyes are so dark they appear black.
the hunger rolls through me again and it aches in quick flashes of blinding pain.
i stand up and i cannot see.
i am shrouded in darkness and i witness the world get reconstructed in my view.
i cant remember what i was thinking.
i felt it coming though. unable to stop this invisible force brought on by restriction that i know will eventually lead to a binge.
my stomach hurts.
i do not get food.
im breaking out again.
i spent so much money on skincare that i dont even know will work.
will i ever find control?
consistency?