in the quiet of my room
i mourn the person i used to be
and the person i could have been
i ache over the past
and agonize over an uncertain future
that i dont even know i will see

i cling to my stuffed animals
the same ones ive had since i was a baby
and wonder if time passes the same for them
do they remember 20 years worth of nights.
how many tears are soaked into their faux fur
they look so different these days
worn and loved to literal bits.
patches of missing fur, decades of stains.
the once fluffy Lovey, now a limp sack of fluff,
beloved.

when i am loved will i become worn out and faded
will i see the evidence of each hug and kiss pressed into my skin.

i dont know if i will make it that long.
another 20 years and what will i have to show?
these past two decades have shown me far more harm than love.

theres an abundance of uncertainty that lies in my future. i dont know who i am, or where im going. i dont know what i want.
i wish i could find it in myself to cry, but what is there to cry over?

im mourning a person that didn't exist.
an idea that nobody even had, not even me.